Please note: this guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or other professional advice, and it can’t take your child’s individual situation into account. If you’re worried about your child’s health, wellbeing or safety, speak to their school or a qualified professional such as your family doctor. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.
Confidence isn’t built by telling a child they’re brilliant. It grows from doing things that felt hard, coping with mistakes, and noticing their own progress. Parents can create lots of small chances for that every day — especially around schoolwork, where many children’s confidence is most fragile.
What confidence actually is
A confident child isn’t one who is never unsure. It’s one who believes, “I can work at this and get better,” and who can handle getting something wrong without deciding they’re a failure. That belief comes from experience: trying, struggling, and succeeding — many times over.
Signs your child’s confidence is low
- Saying “I’m stupid”, “I can’t do it” or “I’m bad at this”.
- Giving up quickly or refusing to try new things.
- Getting very upset over small mistakes.
- Avoiding answering in class or joining in.
- Needing constant reassurance.
Praise the process, not the person
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You’re so clever!” | “You kept going even when it was tricky.” |
| “You’re a natural.” | “All that practice is really showing.” |
| “Good job.” | “I noticed you checked your answers — that caught two mistakes.” |
| “Don’t worry, maths isn’t your thing.” | “Maths is hard for you right now. Let’s find another way to look at it.” |
Praise for effort, strategies and progress tells children that ability can grow. Praise for being “clever” can make them avoid challenges in case they stop looking clever.
Let them struggle (a little)
When we jump in to fix every difficulty, children learn that they can’t manage without us. Instead, give them space to try, then offer the smallest help that gets them moving — a question, not an answer. Our guide to what to say when your child is stuck has the words to use.
Make mistakes normal
- Talk about your own mistakes and what you learned.
- Treat errors in homework as clues: “Interesting — let’s see what happened here.”
- Use the word “yet”: “You can’t do it yet.”
- Never laugh at or share their mistakes with others.
Give them real responsibility
Children feel capable when they are capable. Age-appropriate jobs — packing their school bag, making a simple snack, planning their homework order — build a sense of “I can do things”. See how to help your child get organised.
Help them see their progress
Children often can’t see how far they’ve come. Keep an old piece of writing to compare with a new one, track spelling scores, or simply remind them: “Last month this took you ages. Look at you now.”
Confidence at school specifically
- Close gaps quietly. Confidence often drops because a child has fallen behind on one topic. Supporting that topic at home can change how they feel in class.
- Practise speaking up at home — telling you about something they learned, rehearsing a presentation.
- Talk to the teacher if your child seems anxious or withdrawn in class.
Things that quietly knock confidence
- Comparisons with siblings or classmates.
- Doing their homework for them (it says “you couldn’t”).
- Criticism in front of others.
- Labels — “the sporty one”, “the lazy one”.
- Expecting perfection.
When to get help
If low confidence comes with ongoing sadness, anxiety, withdrawal or changes in sleep and eating, talk to your family doctor and the school.
Frequently asked questions
How can I build my child’s self-esteem?
Give them chances to succeed at things that are a bit hard, praise their effort and strategies, let them take on responsibility, and show them you love them regardless of results.
Why does my child have no confidence at school?
Common reasons include falling behind on a topic, a bad experience in class, friendship worries or being compared with others. Talk to your child and the teacher to find out more.
Is praising my child bad?
No — praise matters. The most helpful praise is specific and focuses on effort, strategies and progress rather than fixed traits like being “clever”.
How do I help a child who is afraid of making mistakes?
Model making and fixing mistakes yourself, use “yet”, treat errors as clues, and keep the stakes low at home.
Next steps
This week, swap three “you’re so clever”s for specific effort praise, and let your child struggle for one more minute before you help. Then read growth mindset for kids, explained simply.